Diary of a graduate to-be: what is in marriage for me?
Rachael Ogunmuyiwa
I still find it hard to embrace the conferment of the title of my-best-friend on anyone because I think we usually at some point outgrow certain relationships. Hey, you don’t have to agree, OK? It is just my opinion. So, last week, I was with some family members and I was asked what my plan is after school. Of course, I knew where they were going.
“Definitely not marriage but I have no strict plan for now.” I disclosed with a careful attention to their verbal and non-verbal responses.
“Is marriage not one of your plans,” my aunt asked.
“Maybe till I finish my Masters programme.” I replied while aligning my whole self to grab the look of my uncle which I knew would definitely be arcane.
The conversation drag on into the night till they got tired of my responses which seemed kafkaesque to them. After that night, I have been asking myself this question: What is in marriage for me? In a world where it is possible to get attracted to more than one person, this question, for me, is germane. Perhaps, because I am gradually at a stage where people have begun to look up to me to reveal my relationship status. It is for me, a question that should be critically examined as the instruction to honour marriage and keep the bed undefiled seems to be a cliché. Apologies to the sister in the lord; my opinion is certainly not the reality of everyone.
Meanwhile, this is not one of those confused feminist agenda but I think we are now at a stage whereby for every man-woman relationship to work, marriage inclusive, each party must be ready to respect the individuality of the other. To achieve this, we need to critically examine the provisions of marriage, mostly cultural, in this part of the world and Africa. In a post-modern society where sex is no longer a scarce commodity, where bed and breakfast could be enjoyed almost anywhere with anyone as long as there is mutual understanding, we need to begin to establish news rules and regulations (RR) for parties who decide to come together.
Man is free but everywhere, he is in chains. Marriage is one of those, so I think. A lot is expected to change once the golden ring slips into the finger and that scares the spirit of liberation in me. Will I still be able to talk with another man by 9pm without my husband thinking or ranting that I am unfaithful? Will I be able to accept the offer of an admirer to take me to a date without my nosy neighbor walking up to the table and asking if Daddy Motoro is too poor to afford what my concubine offers me? A marriage in which my nosy neighbor will not tell him that she saw me in the front seat of another man’s car. Did the manual say that the partner of the car owner must occupy the front seat? Will I be able to hug the opposite sex freely again? Just like ASA queried herself and the society in her “Questions”, I think every woman need to know if they would still be able to make their childhood dreams come to past even in marriage.
Saying “I do’ is almost if not totally, synonymous to “It is finished”. When you are in, it is like being done for. The domesticity that clogs the legs is enough to make one forget the number ONE person that matters is SELF. Let’s forget about the sermon of being selfless; the person you see in the mirror is your priority. For two shall become one but dear lady, any marriage institution that threatens your individuality deserves one word: ABSTINENCE.
Like one of my lecturers noted as a passing remark in class recently, the woman is the one who enjoys most of the money the man works for but we must also be reminded that the woman, through marriage, is the tool which the society enjoys progress and posterity. As a result, if the society wishes to enjoy more progress, it needs to do more in its effort to allow the woman explore the height of her dreams even in marriage.
Similarly, marriage should not be used to slap the woman as her absolute. It is unfortunate that even the most schooled men also do this. They are the ones who pamper their woman, allow her enjoy being self but as soon as they get married, they succumb to the paternalistic Nigerian culture. That is when the woman will begin to hear adverts not paid for about “husbands being the head of the house”. While I must say that the problem of a woman is usually also another woman, we cannot deny the role that the long established patriarchal system has played. A system that forces a woman to remain in an abusive marriage for the fear of what people would think. Of course, men too are victims of abusive marriages even though we hardly talk about it; this is a case for another day.
Fortunately, and unfortunately, globalization and westernization are impacting the Nigerian culture and while it is good to shield our identity from unhealthy influence, we still need to address patterns that endangers our freedom of choice and association. THEREFORE, there is the need to give the woman a right to her life even in marriage. But one more important question, will I be free to walk away if one day I just got tired of being married? Yes, no particular reason. I just got tired? What would you say of me?
