Eniola Awolesi

I was on my own jejely, walking back from a 6 pm class, vexing of course, when I looked up and saw glasses everywhere. I first paused for like three harrrrrs. What’s going on? It was only by the grace of Shakespeare and Aristotle that the ARTS emblem in front of the faculty was not wearing glasses. From the lecturers wey no get joy, to the slay queens and kings, to those with 2.0 CGPA. Everybody!

I just decided that this must not pass me by. There must be more to this. So I launched into research and here are the things I found about AFASITES who wear glasses:

1. THEY ARE ALL LIARS
Before you even scream or make a comment, they are even in two dimensions. The ones that use shakommended glasses. What is your aim gangangan? To oppress us? Lee ma wu. You look like a housefly.

Then there are those ones who are actually blind. Anything that happens to them in this life is blamed on their glasses. One of them snubbed me and told me it’s because her glasses were bad. If glasses could talk I’m sure most of you would have been sent to hell. SMH!

2. GLASSES ON, WORRIES GONE
This is on the brighter side. No matter what is wrong with these people, once they put on their glasses, fogerrit. They are eating life and go. They also seem to be one of the happiest people in AFAS. Awn! Happy blind kids.

3. THEY ARE MONSTERS
For every good, there is always a corresponding bad lurking around somewhere. If you’re tired of life and you just want to be going to the other world(s), just walk up to someone wearing recommended glasses and touch the lens with your fingertips.

Sope otilor. You’ll wake up in hell. Because they will tear you limb by limb until you beg to die and when you finally die, you’ll still meet them in hell.

4. THEY ARE NOT ON FIRST CLASS
Yes! This is supposed to be a shade. Leave the glasses for those who deserve it. When I was small, there was a myth that people who use glasses are always brilliant. So diafore, AFASITES heard it and took it personal. Every Dickory and Harry is now using glasses. They have turned the myth upside down.

See. Let me just stop here.THEY TAKE OFF THEIR GLASSES TO HEAR YOU PROPERLY

5. THEY TAKE OFF THEIR GLASSES TO HEAR YOU PROPERLY

This is the one I’ll never understand. But I’ve come to realize that it is how you will identify the fake users. If he/she doesn’t take off their glasses to hear you and squint as you speak. Na follow follow. Remove the glasses and break it.

6. THEY SEE EVERYTHING EXCEPT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT THEM TO SEE

I’m sighing again. Boluwatife, the pen is on the table o. She won’t see. But Bolu saw her class rep lining up to collect convocation rice. Well-done o. Omniseest.

Don’t ever try to show them your answers in an exam. They won’t see it, and it’s you they will put in trouble. Dey your dey.

7. THEY SEE EXTRA SHEGE AND EVEN MORE CLEARLY
Why do you think they are using glasses in the first place? Na soso garri dem dey drink. Oju everybody ti fo.

When they now finally got the glasses, sapa now revealed himself in new dimensions. If you trace the history of breakfast sef, na dem.
I feel for you o. It’s just sad that we can’t be born with good eyes and go back to where we came from with the same eyes. Sha, take care of the blind realm for all of us. We have no interest in joining you.

DISCLAIMER: This is all fun and cruise and is not supposed to make anyone feel less of themselves. If it makes you feel better, the writer is short and will probably still share clothes with her children in future.

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