“Even Nose mask Dey Learn on top Dis Matter”

Ogunyemi Motolani

“Wear your nose masks.” “Covid-19 is real, mask up!”

I understand that wearing a mask is for my good; it reduces my risk of contracting the virus. But you know what it does not, can not and will not save me from? Body odour! Hey bros, don’t look at me that way, ehn, with that your bad eyes. Did the bullet hit you?

I dare you to try wearing a nose mask on a very hot day and sit beside someone blessed with body odour. If you want to know if your lungs are still very healthy, board any of those Ibadan buses going to Bodija, Apata and you know those places. Don’t even stress too much, board Ajibode bus at UI gate, then come back to share your testimony. In fact, there are times you walk past someone on your way to class and your lungs collapse in those few seconds. Life is not supposed to be like this na.

Don’t take it personally, I just want to help you, and me especially. I’m a good person and I don’t want to die before my time. If Ibadan micra drivers and Hausa bike men have not killed me, then it’s unfair if I die by suffocation with your body odour. Wearing a nose mask even on a good day makes it difficult to breathe well, talk more of wearing it and then you are polluting the fresh air God has graciously given to help me live. Are you an assassin?

Honestly, this matter is simple. First, bathe twice a day, morning and night. You know what you’re dealing with, don’t bathe with #50 kogi alkaline soap or Mama AY unscented petroleum jelly , please. Use nice, fragrant bathing soap and body cream. You’ll even feel different and be proud of yourself. Wash off the day’s sweat and dirt off your body before going to bed. I assure you, your nightmares will end.

Secondly, wear a perfume. Read that well, sis. Perfume, not air freshener. Before you complain that your food money will go for vanishing, there are affordable perfume oils and deodorants that won’t drain your pocket. Use an anti-perspirant for your armpits so we won’t choke to death when you raise your holy hands in church. Don’t pursue my angel, biko.

Wear clean clothes. Wear clean underwear. Let every piece of clothing be clean, even that your black socks you think no one will notice. How in the world does that management skill you have extend to wearing same clothes three, four times without washing? How are you even comfortable with being wicked to yourself and to the entire human race? It’s not your fault, if those clothes were living things that could talk, you can only imagine how much they would have dealt with you.

Smelling nice is one of your fundamental duties as a human being. I know you won’t listen if I compare you with Nigeria, I’ll rather use your existence to plead with you. Eliminating that body odour is part of being kind. Help save lives. Don’t you want to know how it feels to hear someone tell you that you smell nice? Remember, change begins with you and it starts with smelling nice.