DIFFERENT TYPES OF AFASITES ON THEIR BIRTHDAYS
The elders say, what a child can see while sitting down, an old person does not even need to look before seeing it. I know what I’m saying, na you no get chills. The elders told me this by themselves.
Anyho, I’ve been vexing for the past few days. Apart from my normal, usual vex, this vex is different. And it’s because I don’t understand what exactly is making you people happy.
Abi some of you have a stash of laughing gas we don’t know about? Everywhere I look, happy birthday. What is birthday and why is it happy? You people should be careful. Honestly.
Anyway, my job is to bring you the trends on AFAS happenings and that I shall. Therefore, carefully, I studied AFASITES for the past week and here’s the “information” I gathered on the different types of students on their birthdays.
The paranran geng
Read carefully. I would have started with those who are actually the happy ones on their birthdays, but this group dey everly muzz me, so they take the first spot. It’s called a “happy birthday” for a reason; so tell me why you decided to sound trumpet? You want to go to heaven on your birthday?
Why are you shouting on your head by yourself? Just to let you in on a secret you didn’t know, the paranran birthday accompaniment is recognized with a certain group of people fondly called “yahoo-yahoo”. If it’s not the brother, it’s the boyfriend, if it’s not the admirer, it’s the whoever. Dey play if you think I’m playing. Trace it very well, you’ll see.
In my opinion, that instrument is for funerals and healing grieving kings. I said all these to say this; the next time I hear any bastard paranran, I will break the trumpet on the celebrant’s head. Let olopa kuku ko everybody, we should know.
Up and whatevs!!!
The happy ones can wait. These ones are the real ones, the chill ones. The only indicator you’ll get that it’s their birthday is the single +1 post on their status. They see their birthdays as just another day, except that they may decide to flex themselves a bit. Only people on a first class will notice the subtle flex, sef.
I repeat, these are the chill ones. Everything goes. They don’t even get angry if you forget their birthdays because sometimes, they do too. Na them! Na them!!
The petty ones
At this rate, the happy ones will take the last position. It is expedient that I speak of these ones because this is the category to which I belong.
They don’t go out or make unnecessary noise on their statuses. In fact, they make only one post in the morning by 7am and leave the rest till the next day. Do you wonder what they do the whole day? I know and I’ll tell you.
They sit down with a mental pen and paper and make a comprehensive list of the people that wished them, how they wished them, when they wished them, and most importantly, who didn’t wish them. Then they painstakingly make note of the birthdates of the latter category of people and ensure they return the favor.
Yassss! We are petty, if you don’t wish us on our birthdays, we return the favor with finesse. Hit your head on the wall if you’re pained.
Contrary to the tag given to this category, they are NOT popular, hence the enclosure of their popularity in inverted commas. They just want to make themselves feel better by thinking they are.
Underneath this, they have the underlying fear that their birthdates won’t be remembered. Ahh! After photoshoot and makeup? You lie! So they resolve to spamming their contacts with their pictures and by 12:09am, they start shouting, “this love is massive; I want to cry” on their statuses.
Sighs! I’m sorry to burst your bubbles, but it is out of pity that people posted. They understand the struggle you must have gone through.
A little warning though, if you send any rubbish set of pictures to me, I will add WANTED to it and you will know that a child does not know medicine and calls it vegetable.
The politicians
No long story. You know these ones by the accompanying graphic design with their intending positions hidden between words. Why they do this is beyond me.
I lost my words. I’ve simply lost my words with these ones.
Finally, the happy ones.
Whoever thought that birthdate celebration should be tagged “happy birthday” had these ones in mind. Mostly, you won’t see glamorous, photo shoot pictures of them, but you’ll see their pictures everywhere. People actually remember their birthdays.
In fact, it’s almost as if it’s written on their foreheads. If you meet them for the first time that day, one thing will lead to another and you will find out. Left to me, only these ones deserve birthday celebrations. They’re the ones that add the “happy” to it. Their friends even surprise them with gifts.
There are other types of people o, good ones, but no. AFASITES decided to only imbibe these ones. SMH! Argue anything you want, I have said what I want to say and command has climbed it. Thainz.
