Eniola Awolesi



I don’t want to go to school again. That is it.

Many of you are on this table, and for so long, you have been frustrated because nobody seems to care about you. All they have told you since matriculation is how to succeed, how to read and pass, and how to write an exam to get an A. They made you start wondering if you are a coconut or a stone for wishing otherwise. This school that is scam, yet all these students want to kill themselves over it. Let me tell you, them no get sense reach you. Na you be boss.



If you are on this table, welcome. We have heard your cry, and we have answered. The problem you’re now facing is that you don’t know how to tell your parents. They just won’t understand. The people that have woken poverty and woken suffering because of you (if you can’t read this in Yorùbá, I’m sorry for you).



Now, relaxxxxx! I say relaxxx! You don’t need to tell anybody. I know you don’t like or know book, but you have to read this if you truly want to fail. AFASITES assemble!

1. DON’T ATTEND ANY CLASS(ES)
This one is very tricky and the keyword there is ANY. In fact, leave all your class groups. Because it is when you know what is going on in class that your interest will be piqued, or the bulk of the outline will make you panic. Avoid it. The goal is to fail. A word is enough for the wise.
You do this, and your journey to failure has started. In fact, you have failed.



2. ENSURE TO WRITE ALL TESTS AND EXAMS
Relax first! Don’t beat me yet. Unlike you, I know what I’m doing. This is just to ensure that the failure is documented. Marking you as absent still has a hint of hope. Just go there and write your matric number. You can even write it on your hand so your brain won’t disappoint you.
Additionally, you can tell your parents that it’s because your lecturers hate you that they failed you. This way, your poor parents won’t have heart attack.


3. BURN ALL YOUR BOOKS
As you are, you probably don’t have a lot of books, but burn the ones you have. Because books are evil; they might decide to seduce you when you lose guard. We don’t want that.
Someone might advise you to dash others the books.

Why would you do that when you’re looking for more comrades? Please, preach the gospel of your journey to failure and build an army.
In fact, carry a lighter with you. Any book that comes close to you should be burnt as well. Burn the person that brings them close gan, and let them know this is not playing.

4. LET VAWULENCE BE YOUR WATCHWORD

Comrade violence/olodo, scatter tutorials if you hear of any. Let them know they don’t do that where you are. Imagine people going to school on a Sunday to go and read. Monday to Friday no reach them? Please, scatter everywhere. Don’t let them get away with reading as if na only them sabi. They kuku might not end up making the first class, sef. They might beat you, but you’ve achieved your goal.



With this method, you can even kill two birds with one stone by gaining more comrades. Everybody just dey disguise. Once they see you are true to your cause, they will stand by you. You get me?



5. LOOK FOR COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS
Did you notice I said relationships? You don’t know what it means? Sorry. Let me remind you. It’s plural, meaning not just one. See, even if you decide to give up on your quest for failure halfway, these relationships no go gree for you.

If you now want to fail patapata without rectification, let the other parties find out about each other. Sope otilor! Na your success dey go like that.

6. ATTEND ALL AFAS PARTIES
Since you no know book, and it’s only parties the AFAS executives have decided to be throwing, why not kuku enjoy yourself while you’re failing? Reason am. E make sense dieee! Better yet, take over from the social director, sell tickets, and do MC. This way, even all the things you’ve known before will completely disappear. And voila, your failure is complete. You sha would have enjoyed yourself. 2 cut 4!!!

7. JUST WALK UP TO A STRICT LECTURER AND…
Slap him!!! Yes. Tear am dirty slap, make hin lose focus for like four harrrs.

Don’t forget to ask him to turn his other cheek for you to complete what you started. But proceed with caution. Do this only if all hope has been lost and e don dey choke you. This is the last resort if the others listed above don’t work. After this, no going back. Agbowo straight!

If you try all these and they don’t work, come and use your hand to cement my nose. Or just kill yourself because I don’t know the kind of head you have and it might be that your village people really want you to suffer in school.
Whichever one you decide, sha dey go. That’s one less competition in AFAS. My own goal is to be overraw best student, so leave quickly and take your people with you.
Thainz!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *